So, I haven't been doing so well lately. Mentally, of course. Why did I choose to talk about it? Let me just say, in order to keep a record, to explain how it feels to be depressed, to be in pain 24/7, to always be accompanied by sadness. I initially thought of writing all this in my diary, but I decided that it would be a good idea to share the experience for future references. There is a certain amount of vulnerability associated to sharing these short of things, and may be this is some weird way of proving to myself that I still have some strength left.
I shall come to the possible causes behind it, a little later. Let me start with the experience.
So, what is it like to be depressed?
I have this constant heaviness in my chest, along with anxiety. When you are anticipating or living some scary moment, you kind of hold your breath and feel your heart pounding. That is a constant for me. Of course, for now things are going okay, but this feeling doesn't go away. I can always sense some unaddressed packet of emotions bobbing near my throat; I allow them to come out and express themselves occasionally. And in general, I constantly feel unhappy or neutral. Somehow, my brain can't detect happiness or remember all the good things that have happened. The memories, good or bad, just make my stomach turn. Everything appears grey and pointless. I feel very distant from everyone else and no matter how much I share with those few people I have left, the sadness never goes away permanently. My mind is slowly accepting that I am not doing well.
I am perfectly capable of being normal or my usual self throughout this time. I laugh as usual and tease my friends and my brother, continue doing math. It is like as if I live two lives. Of course, I am not faking anything. The ability to be normal sort of drives me through all this. It is the reassurance I get from myself, that may be, no matter how ridiculous it sounds right now, things are going to get better. May be, after a zillion years, I shall feel better about my life.
Till a few months ago I have also been feeling this pointlessness and it heavily affected my work. I wouldn't feel like investing myself in anything - for example, in math we have to read and learn new things everyday just to be able to understand the open problem that I am trying to solve. We also have to do additional reading to keep ourselves updated. I usually love such activities; reading and understanding complicated math articles have always been my thing (not bragging: I find it difficult as well, but there is a lot of satisfaction that follows...). So, till a month ago, I had completely lost interest in all this and got extremely demotivated. Besides, I would find it very difficult to put myself in the math mode. Around that time I had attended a lot of seminars and conferences, and math researchers have this habit of always talking about math, even during lunch or dinner time. I used to find it overwhelming and exhausting because I would have to so badly struggle just to be able to concentrate for half an hour. This alienated me quite a bit from the math community. At home, I would see Thibaut always involved in his own research and all this added up to result in outburts.
And finally, the nightmares. I almost always remember dreams from the previous night. And that is a curse when you keep dreaming about your family members dead or alive, dying. Whenever my morning starts with one of these nightmares, the rest of the day is spent by fighting with myself, trying to keep the thoughts away. But that traumatic feeling I get during the nightmares never really goes away, and it affects me in many different ways.
So all this was the description of my usual state of mind. Sometimes, it becomes worse. Recently, I had an episode of post-traumatic amnesia - it basically means that I could not remember anything that have happened since January 2015. I kept asking for my mother and Alan, and could not understand why they would not take my calls. All the events ever since January 2015 seemed to have never happened, although apparently I did remember some names and faces without recognising them. The memories came back after a while. By that time, the ambulance had been called and I was taken to the psychiatric ward. They didn't admit me; took me to a psychologist/psychiatrist. This incident shook me to a great extent; I lost all my confidence and could not go out or do anything for a few days on my own. This was followed by multiple panic attacks. I would start shivering, my insides will go cold and I would start crying. There would not be any particular reason behind it, all I would feel is a blank sadness and despair. This would last for fifteen minutes, leaving me exhausted. It even happened while I was in a meeting with my advisor. I don't think he had noticed.
In the next post, I shall discuss the possible reasons and triggers behind my depression and these attacks. For those who read till the end, I would request you to kindly not discuss this post with people who haven't read it, and also not to share it without first checking with me. For those who are feeling worried, I am doing fine and I am supposed to visit a psychologist from February.
Here's hoping that you have the strength to fight your own demons.
I shall come to the possible causes behind it, a little later. Let me start with the experience.
So, what is it like to be depressed?
I have this constant heaviness in my chest, along with anxiety. When you are anticipating or living some scary moment, you kind of hold your breath and feel your heart pounding. That is a constant for me. Of course, for now things are going okay, but this feeling doesn't go away. I can always sense some unaddressed packet of emotions bobbing near my throat; I allow them to come out and express themselves occasionally. And in general, I constantly feel unhappy or neutral. Somehow, my brain can't detect happiness or remember all the good things that have happened. The memories, good or bad, just make my stomach turn. Everything appears grey and pointless. I feel very distant from everyone else and no matter how much I share with those few people I have left, the sadness never goes away permanently. My mind is slowly accepting that I am not doing well.
I am perfectly capable of being normal or my usual self throughout this time. I laugh as usual and tease my friends and my brother, continue doing math. It is like as if I live two lives. Of course, I am not faking anything. The ability to be normal sort of drives me through all this. It is the reassurance I get from myself, that may be, no matter how ridiculous it sounds right now, things are going to get better. May be, after a zillion years, I shall feel better about my life.
Till a few months ago I have also been feeling this pointlessness and it heavily affected my work. I wouldn't feel like investing myself in anything - for example, in math we have to read and learn new things everyday just to be able to understand the open problem that I am trying to solve. We also have to do additional reading to keep ourselves updated. I usually love such activities; reading and understanding complicated math articles have always been my thing (not bragging: I find it difficult as well, but there is a lot of satisfaction that follows...). So, till a month ago, I had completely lost interest in all this and got extremely demotivated. Besides, I would find it very difficult to put myself in the math mode. Around that time I had attended a lot of seminars and conferences, and math researchers have this habit of always talking about math, even during lunch or dinner time. I used to find it overwhelming and exhausting because I would have to so badly struggle just to be able to concentrate for half an hour. This alienated me quite a bit from the math community. At home, I would see Thibaut always involved in his own research and all this added up to result in outburts.
And finally, the nightmares. I almost always remember dreams from the previous night. And that is a curse when you keep dreaming about your family members dead or alive, dying. Whenever my morning starts with one of these nightmares, the rest of the day is spent by fighting with myself, trying to keep the thoughts away. But that traumatic feeling I get during the nightmares never really goes away, and it affects me in many different ways.
So all this was the description of my usual state of mind. Sometimes, it becomes worse. Recently, I had an episode of post-traumatic amnesia - it basically means that I could not remember anything that have happened since January 2015. I kept asking for my mother and Alan, and could not understand why they would not take my calls. All the events ever since January 2015 seemed to have never happened, although apparently I did remember some names and faces without recognising them. The memories came back after a while. By that time, the ambulance had been called and I was taken to the psychiatric ward. They didn't admit me; took me to a psychologist/psychiatrist. This incident shook me to a great extent; I lost all my confidence and could not go out or do anything for a few days on my own. This was followed by multiple panic attacks. I would start shivering, my insides will go cold and I would start crying. There would not be any particular reason behind it, all I would feel is a blank sadness and despair. This would last for fifteen minutes, leaving me exhausted. It even happened while I was in a meeting with my advisor. I don't think he had noticed.
In the next post, I shall discuss the possible reasons and triggers behind my depression and these attacks. For those who read till the end, I would request you to kindly not discuss this post with people who haven't read it, and also not to share it without first checking with me. For those who are feeling worried, I am doing fine and I am supposed to visit a psychologist from February.
Here's hoping that you have the strength to fight your own demons.
